


It's Always Been You

by faegal04



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heavy Angst, Multi, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-15 03:05:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16925325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faegal04/pseuds/faegal04





	It's Always Been You

**One Year Ago**

_“Dean, I need you to do something for me,” Sam said quietly. He looked over his shoulder to the backseat, smiling softly at your sleeping form. The interior of the car silent, the only sound that could be heard was the wheels riding along the asphalt, it’s rhythmic cadence the one sound all of you found soothing. Sam licked his lips tentatively, “After I triple Lindy into the pit with Lucifer, you have to promise me that neither you or Y/N will find a way to get me back. No deals, no spells, nothing.”_

_Dean looked at Sam in shock, “Not happening,” he said, voice gravelly._

_“Listen to me! We both know this isn’t going to be anything like your tour of Hell-”_

_“Ex-,” Dean tried to interrupt, his fingers tightening around the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white._

_“NO!” Sam all but yelled with a quick glance to the back seat, making sure you were still asleep. “You take Y/N and you run, Dean…Out of this life, both of you, for me,” he continued softly. “I know you love her” he paused as Dean shook his head emphatically._

_Sam smiled at his brother, “It’s okay Dean. She’s amazing and the fact that you love her makes leaving her hurt less. Because I know she’s safe with you.”_

_“Sam, ya’ gotta know, I would never, I mean she doesn’t know how I feel. I tried not to, you know?”  Dean licked his lips and looked over at his brother with sad eyes._

_Sam held his hand up, “I know. You’re the only one I trust with her, with her heart,” he bit down into his lip to keep his tears at bay, exhaling shakily, “Get out of this life, Dean. Take Y/N someplace and heal each other; grab the Apple pie life you’ve always wanted and deserved. Promise me, Dean!”_

* * *

**Present**

The minute the alarm sounded, Dean was silencing it. He had been awake for at least an hour already, watching the green digital numbers change slowly. Today was going to suck, he thought dejectedly. He stretched and looked at the wall that separated him from you, the memories of the past year filling his head.

* * *

_The first couple of weeks had been the hardest. Once Cas had been remade or whatever, he healed Dean, brought Bobby and then you back from the dead. Dean had murmured a thank you, swooped you up in his arms and carried you to the Impala. He looked at Bobby, saying everything he could with just his eyes as he walked quickly around to the driver’s side._

_Bobby nodded sadly, raised his hand to both of you, tears sliding down his cheeks. He knew that in that moment, Dean Winchester was done with the family business. Not only had he lost Sam, now he had lost his other surrogate children as well._

_Dean slid behind the wheel, his gaze locked onto you. It was tearing his heart out, listening to the gut wrenching sobs fall from your mouth. “C’mere sweetheart,” Dean said, voice wavering. He couldn’t break down now, not here, he needed to get you away from this place._

_You slid across the seat, clutching his coat, your face burrowed into the space between his jaw and shoulder. Dean wrapped one arm around you pulling you tighter to him, closing his eyes he gently kissed the top of your head. Your whole body shuddered as he murmured, “I’ve got you sweetheart.”_

_Dean quickly started the car, turned it around and headed out of Stull Cemetery. Once on the road, Dean didn’t have any idea as to where to go with you, he just knew that for both of your sakes it couldn’t be Kansas any longer._

He shook his head, dragging himself back to the present when he had heard you start moving around. Jumping out of bed, he grabbed jeans from his dresser and slid them on not bothering to button them. Dean snagged a t shirt from the folded clothes on top of his dresser and threw it over his shoulder as he headed out of his room and to the kitchen.

After he got the coffee going, he walked into the living room heading for the front door. Dean used the small broom and dust pan by the door to sweep the salt line up, old habits died hard after all. In the year that the two of you had stopped hunting, nothing had come after either of you but he wasn’t taking chances with your safety. He opened the door and stepped outside, grabbed the paper and waved to the next door neighbor, who was walking their dog. He shut the door behind him and smiled softly when he heard you in the kitchen.

There had been times over the last year that Dean wasn’t sure if either of you would make it. The guilt so strong in him at failing to keep his little brother safe, it made him want to crawl inside a bottle of whiskey and never come out again. Then he would look at you and know in his heart he wouldn’t fail in his promise to Sam. That’s not to say he didn’t fall off the wagon but it was you that brought him back from the edge, crying and pleading that you couldn’t survive losing him too.

He paused in the doorway of the kitchen to look at you. He smirked when he realized you were wearing one of his old AC/DC shirts and then his eyes widened when he noticed you had a pair of his boxers on! He groaned inwardly, jaw clenching as his cock started to take notice as well.

“Mornin’, sweetheart,” he said gruffly.

You jumped, squealing unintentionally at being caught unaware. “Jesus Dean! Are you trying to make me pee my pants?”

He raised an eyebrow cockily, “Your pants? Hate to break it to you, princess but those are my pants you would be peeing in.” He grinned at the blush that filled your cheeks.

You bit down on your lip, “Sorry?” You raised your eyebrows innocently. “You know I sleep better in your shirt and I wasn’t having a good night, so instead of bothering you, I just grabbed them hoping it would help,” you finished softly, eyes cast to the floor.

Dean crossed the kitchen quickly to stand before you, he put his finger under your chin and lifted your head, “You should have woke me up. You know I don’t mind, hell Y/N I sleep better when we’re together.”

You chuckled softly, “Dean, one of these nights you’ll bring a girl home and will be glad that I swiped some of your clothes instead of climbing in bed with you.”

He shook his head, there were times when he thought you knew how he felt about you, times when he thought he saw desire for him in your eyes. In those moments it took every amount of willpower he possessed to not take you in his arms, because every time you looked at him like that he knew the minute Sam popped in your memory from the way your eyes dimmed and your smile dropped.

He cleared his throat, “Sweetheart, there hasn’t been a girl in my bed for a long time now. I would rather be there for you than picking up a one night stand.”

You stared into his emerald green eyes and froze at what you saw. He loved you. How did you not see it before? How could he love someone as broken as you?  You gently laid a shaking hand against his scruffy cheek, gasping when he rubbed his face in your palm.

Dean’s heart froze when you touched him, his eyes fluttered closed. He turned his face into your palm, and laid a gentle kiss against the scar along your wrist. A scar that he had stitched closed with tears running down his face, the memory dragging him under.

* * *

_He rubbed at his red, tired eyes as he stared at the bed where you laid. He didn’t know what to do, you were slipping away and he couldn’t stop it. After two days of non stop crying-an act that he would give anything for at this point, you had entered a near catatonic state._

_This was the third day of you laying there, not sleeping just staring. He had to spoon feed you and he was able to get you to drink water but that was it. Dean had called Bobby, yesterday to see if he knew of a way to get you back but Bobby had already been off on a new case. As much as he hated to do it, he knew now what he needed to do. He stood up abruptly, the old dining room chair sliding noisily across the floor. “Sweetheart, I don’t know if you can hear me, but I’m going outside for just a minute,” he walked over to the bed, he smoothed you hair back from your face and kissed your forehead gently, “I’m not leaving you, I promise.”_

_He stepped outside the motel room, leaving the door open just in case and he started praying. He prayed to God, Balthazar, Ezekiel, hell he even tried Gabe, before he called out to Cas. His shoulders started shaking and the tears fell from his eyes again as he felt abandoned. The flutter of wings and the snapping sound of a trench coat sounded behind him and Dean gratefully murmured thank you to whoever._

_“Dean. I came as soon as I could. What do you need?” Cas asked._

_Dean chuckled cynically, “What do I need? I need my brother back, but since I know that can’t happen, then I need you to go in that room and heal her.”_

_Cas looked over Dean’s shoulder into the motel. He looked at Dean, bracing himself for the outburst to come, “I have heard Y/N’s pleas over the last several days,” he began, “Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do. I can only heal physical ailments and hers is an ailment of the soul.”_

_“Bullshit!” Dean growled. “There has to be something you bastards can do. Haven’t we done enough? Haven’t we lost enough?”_

_Cas shook his head, “De-”_

_“No! If you can’t help her, get out of my sight! You tell your God and any other angels that we’re done! Get someone else to be the whipping boy!” Dean spat._

_He clenched his fists, slamming them down on the trunk of the Impala as with another flutter of wings Cas disappeared. Dean’s chest was heaving and his blood felt like fire as it raced through his body. He had to calm down before he went back inside. He slowed his breathing as he concentrated on what he needed to do to help you._

_Only minutes had passed, when Dean thought he heard a noise from inside the room. He spun around with a small smile on his face when he saw the empty bed. He rushed inside, “Y/N!”_

_He stood at the bathroom door, his happiness turning into concern when you didn’t answer. Knocking on the door, he called out, voice wavering, “Sweetheart, answer me please!”  The only noise coming from the room was that of the shower turning on._

_His heart thudded painfully in his chest, paranoia set in when the steam started wafting out from under the door. Terror grabbed him by the throat at the broken sob that rang out. He tried turning the doorknob first but it was locked, adrenaline rushed through his veins as he he threw his shoulder into the door breaking it open on the first hit. The steam and humidity so thick in the small bathroom that sweat broke out on his brow._

_Dean looked down into the tub and inhaled sharply. You were sitting under the spray, your pale flesh turning rosier by the hot water. The image that seared into his brain though was one of your blood swirling together with the water turning it a pinkish hue._

_“Fuck! Baby, what did you do?” He reached down and turned the water off and picked you up bridal style from the tub. He grabbed one of the cheap white towels from the rack as he carried you out of the room._

_Gently he laid you down on the bed, he found the razor blade in your left hand, the palm of which was bloody from the grip you held on it. He blinked back tears as he wrapped your right wrist with the towel. “I need to stitch this up, sweetheart,” he said softly._

_He grabbed his duffel from the floor, pulling the first aid kit out. He was laying everything out on the bed when you spoke for the first time in five days._

_“D-D-Dean? H-Hurts.” You said, your voice scratchy from non-use._

_“I know it does, baby. I’m going to fix it though, I promise,” he said shakily._

_Dean sat down next to you, he took your right arm first, hissing to himself when he poured the whiskey over it, slowly he started sewing the gash closed. He had to stop often as the tears fell from his eyes._

As he laid his lips against that scar, he felt you shudder and breathe out a small sigh and knew the time was right to tell you how he felt.

He opened his eyes to stare at you, “Sweetheart, there’s something I need to tell you. I don’t know if you’re ready to hear it, but I can’t go another day without telling you.”

You blinked slowly, then nodded, mentally preparing yourself for him to say he was leaving. Your mind convincing you that that was what was about to happen.

Dean licked his lips, “Baby, I know that you still love Sammy and that you always will. I also know that  **when I spot you in a crowded room, I can see you searching for someone else** -for him, but what I really want you to see is  **me**. I’m standing right here in front of you wanting to love you.”

Slowly, he takes his hands and cups your face, “What do you say, Y/N, will you let me love you?”


End file.
